storms

my soror lost all her worldly possessions in a house fire yesterday.

she’s a single mother of two beautiful kids and my heart is completely broken by this. but i am SO VERY thankful that her babies were at school and she was actually awake and no harm came to her. or them.

losing another soror would just wreak havoc on my soul.

talking to her today i told her that she’s now the beautiful phoenix that has to rise out of these ashes. and that got me to thinking about hard times and these life storms that i’m going through and that others around me are going through as well.

i feel as though different storms hit your life at different times and paths. some storms arise and hit your life to show you what you’re made of. it destroys you so that you can build again knowing what you learned from that storm… to prepare you for the next one. there are storms that come to cleanse your mind and soul so that can see and think clearly and you can be open to all that the universe is about to bless you with. some storms come to show you how unprepared you are for even the slightest inconvenience and you gotta get your shit together. and there are some storms that happen simply because the universe is reminding you that you’re just a tiny speck in the infinite of space and time. one minute you can be here. the next you could be gone. that storm is reminding you to keep your ass humble.

but life is wild.

and full of storms.

but i feel like once you can identify exactly which storm you’re going through… it makes you more capable of getting through it in one fucking piece.

so yeah… know your storm.

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deaux

i’ve had coffee twice today.

my days run on expensive coffee and sobbing at any given time.

i also had an appointment today. when do i not have an appointment though…

my primary care doctor is black and she’s the only one that i actually enjoy going to. except when she’s fussing at me. just imagine your favorite auntie who’s an AKA and all fly fussing at you because you’ve not been taking your medications like you’re supposed to. yeah… it’s like that.

i told her that i am rescinding my transplant candidacy and i’d just like to let this illness take its course, receive palliative care, and then work with a death doula. i explained to her that i’m simply fucking exhausted and at the point where honestly… i can’t see the other side anymore. it’s always something with these doctors and i most certainly do not have the support system surrounding me that i’ll need to get through this. i feel like i’m wasting my time. and i feel like this transplant and my health, overall, is only important to one fucking person… and that’s me. and honestly thats a shitty way to feel.

every person that i have told so far is all “no you can’t give up” and “you’ll be okay.” like are you fucking here every day having to do this shit? are you in my shoes? do you know what the fuck it feels like to have to go through all this shit?

NO.

NO YOU DO NOT.

like save all that shit. i don’t want to hear it. no one is bringing their ass to indiana to sit at these appointments with me. shit i got a wife who barely does the shit. THIS IS WHY I AM SO OVER IT. shit, i can DIE alone… minus the fucking stress and crying every single day because i feel like i’m carrying the weight of the goddamn world on my shoulders. i been fighting one thing or another my whole fucking life. believe me when i say a bitch is TIRED.

*sigh*

dr. s put me on another medication for my depression. this new one coupled with the one i’m currently on will hopefully be a cocktail that will keep me semi sane through this upcoming long ass winter in this shitty state. one of these days (read: when there’s enough medication in my system to fucking talk about it) i’m going to write about how much of a mistake moving to indiana was.

but not today though.

or nah..

my phone has been on dnd all evening and most of the day.

i don’t want to talk. to anyone.

i just sent my grandmother to voicemail.

i don’t have it. and by “it” i mean any fucking thing.

hopelessness and settled into my bones and has made a home.

maybe i’ll come out of this soon (i don’t think i will) but i am tired of fighting through life.

i’m too young to feel so exhausted.

so for the time being… i’m just going to stop.

stop everything.

maybe i’ll start again. maybe i won’t.

but right now. i ain’t got it.

i quit.

I’m in this fight and I’m swinging and my arms are getting tired// I’m trying to beat this emptiness, but I’m running out of time//I’m sinking in the sand and I can barely stand// I’m lost in this dream, I need you to hold me…

Beyoncé Scared of Lonely

i’m tired.

i’m tired of fighting.

i’m tired of losing.

i’m tired of hurting.

i’m tired of life.

i do not have anymore fight left.

like i said…

today wasn’t any better.

i have to give myself the space to feel these feelings and try to not bring them into the upcoming week. i have therapy tomorrow and when i say imma fall into that goddamn couch and cry until i cannot anymore.

i have a plan.

i stay with a plan.

granted i have no fucking idea how to execute said plan… but shit i got one. and that’s half the battle. isn’t it?

i should preface this with a trigger warning. i’m about to talk about suicide so if you’re triggered by that please don’t keep reading.

i have always struggled with suicide ideation. literally all my life. it’s gotten bad as i got older but when i got sick it kicked in and did so bad.

bad bad.

i have to really sit and think about all the people i love and their faces and the pain they would be in if i were not here. this doesn’t always work at times. but what does work is looking at every single picture i have of my nephew and my nieces. i am honestly holding on for them. and every time i’m like fuck this i can’t do this anymore and those really scary thoughts creep into my brain, i pull up all the pictures i have of them and just stare at them until i feel grounded.

and then i write. sometimes i’ll come on here. sometimes i’ll just write in my little catch all book. but i write something… anything. so that something creative will always come of those feelings. some of my greatest writings came from these places.

so here i am now… writing. this isn’t anything profound but i am working on another short story for a book i’m working on.

i gotta keep going… i don’t have any other option.

… (swearing ahead)

throw the whole mothafucking weeked in the goddamn trash.

my GOD what an awful day. and i know for a hard ass fact tomorrow ain’t gon give a fuck and be anything better.

starting off… it was 32° this morning. no fucking warning. nothing. it was 75° yesterday. this is why i hate this fucking state.. WHO HAS TIME FOR THIS??? what IS THIS even!! like with no easing into shitty weather. just one day it’s nice and you’ve got on shoes with no socks and the next you’re like “should i wear my brown uggs or my black ones?”

fuck this.

i had marriage counseling today and it was the fucking awfulest. and without telling all my business i can wholeheartedly say that i’m the FUCK OVER saying the same thing repeatedly with no actions for things being different. this new me is going to have to regress back to the old me and no one is going to be prepared for that.

No. One.

but i feel like hoes wanna take me there. so imma go… but i’m going to pack light. because i ain’t staying.

i honestly didn’t want to write about how shitty of a day i was having. i sat and stared at the screen for what i feel like was an eternity, but was only about 20 minutes, trying to think of anything else to write. nothing came. so here we are.

i am mentally overwhelmed with my life. i went to lowes today and got these huge trash bags. i’m talking like 50 gallon bags i think. tomorrow (because i’ve waited too late to do it tonight, and honestly i don’t fucking want to do it tonight) i’m going through ALL my shit and throwing whatever doesn’t fit, whatever reminds me of bullshit, and all the shit i haven’t used or worn in more than 6 months THE FUCK away. all of it. i may save some things to donate, but a huge ass bunch of it is going buh-bye.

fuck around and i might throw them dogs and my fucking wife in there too for good measure.

judge ya mother…
i’m sick of everybody shit.

chin check

a short but brief one…

have you ever experienced talking to someone… and they say something that brings you back to the hard and harsh reality of your life and it feels like a gut punch. like it’s something you knew but… you knowingly turned a blind eye to it.

but here goes XYZ saying something and you’re like… but bitch who the fuck asked you for all that?? but you’ve got to play it cool. listen… that shit is fucking HARD.

mercury is about to go into retrograde. right now we’re in what’s called it’s shadow phase, where you can still feel it’s energy. mercury is the planet that rules communication.

i’m staying away from folks until December. i really don’t need this shit.